I think I had an eventful stuff watching weekend, but nothing warranting a whole review. Looks like you’re getting a post dump. I’ll light a match on my way out.
The Happening
Yeah, I had enough to drink on Friday to agree to watch The Happening, M. Night Shamalamadingdong’s latest movie. Boy, I was so ready to muster up two-four pages of outright ass-rippery on this one, but it was so bad I didn’t even feel like it. Seriously. Let’s just run down the laundry list: dumb acting, dumb lines, way dumb premise. SPOILER ALERT: The fucking plants are killing everyone because we’re assholes. Yes, that’s right. The plants are killing us by releasing some poison in the atmosphere. There is absolutely no tension. Shit happens, people kind of react to it (as much as a plank of wood would react to something that wasn’t fire), the next thing happens, repeat. There’s no point where your protagonist, who isn’t really all that sympathetic because he’s a dipshit, seems like he’s in real danger, and if he were you’d probably be glad. Don’t go see this movie. Don’t even waste your money on renting the dvd. I’m not kidding. You guys know I love bad movies, but this isn’t just bad. It’s awful. But it does feature the funniest “What the fuck?” line from a movie I’ve seen in forever, the crusty old lady that yells “Why you eyein’ my lemon drink?”
The Onion Movie
This is a dvd-only release from the people at The Onion, pretty much one of the greatest things ever. My expectations were low, so I was pleasantly surprised to see what is basically a Kentucky Fried Movie for the 21st century. Add it to your queue and see Steven Seagal as COCKPUNCHER
Tiger Motherfucking Woods
Allow me to get a little sporty on you and say Tiger-Tiger-Tiger Woods, ya’ll. He kept me glued to the screen for two straight days mixing human vulnerability and superhuman skills. I’ve always been a Tiger fan, but this weekend just added to the legend. Check this out to see what I’m talking about. The quality isn’t great, but you’ll get the point. Hail to the king, baby.
The Savages
I guess this was a good movie and all. I imagine if I were twenty years older it would probably be better. The acting was good. I don’t know, it’s got Philip Seymour Hoffman in it, if that’s something you might be interested in. Oh, and Chris Partlow from The Wire. And an old guy smearing poop on a wall. That’s about all I have to say about that.
So that’s about it, I suppose. The new Rambo came in on the Netflix today, so I’ll definitely write that up since it’s what inspired me to start reviewing movies again. Fucking awesome.
A couple odds and ends from around the Intarwebz for you.
Deadspin is having their second annual Deadspin Hall of Fame nominations. They’re announcing candidates every day, but my must-win candidate is up for a spot. Who is this guy? A’mod Ned of Florida International University. You can just call him Ned, though. But why is Ned hall of fame worthy? Because during the brawl between Miami and Florida International last year dude came out on crutches. That is what you call “having your teammates’ back.” He’s actually become quite a folk hero, spawning numerous (semi-poor) photoshops and fierce campaigning replete with a video. Click and vote or Ned is going to crutch all the way up from Miami and beat you with his crutches.
He also mentions that Grindhouse is going to be split into two dvd’s with, get this NO FUCKING TRAILERS!!!!!!! Are you kidding me? No Machete? No Thanksgiving? Eat a dick, Weinsteins. Fuck you in the asshole til it’s purple donkey asshole. Needless to say, if you didn’t get to see this in the theaters you will not get the full awesome experience and you will be extra bummed. There may be a “deluxe set” released later on. Maybe if we bitch loud enough they’ll do it from the get go. Gets to bitchin! I can’t tell you how mad this made me.
Speaking of movies Superbad was Super Fucking Awesome. I’ve already said too much. Go see it. It’s truly a vagtastic voyage. I’m probably going to watch it again this weekend.
There’s a second installment of Cautionary Tales of Swords, and it’s funnier than the first. In case you didn’t know, swords will cut your fucking throat wide open. That’s the truth.
Thanks to Andy, for allowing me to regress into Nerdery (the state, not the place of employment. They’ve closed down.)I just got to thinking about this and wanted to post it. Unless you’re Gip, I don’t know for sure if you’ve seen the Aqua Teen movie, but here’s the best part. And it’s completely not related to the plot. You’re welcome. Have you seen the DVD for this thing? Two disc, deluxe 80 minute deleted movie on disc 2. I guess I have to buy it. Read along while they sing, and crank it up!
The quality kind of sucks, so you may just want to wait for the DVD after all. But I may have just saved you some money.
That’s about all from me. Just getting ready for football, the wedding, the honeymoon, and, most importantly, the bachelor party. If any of you knows where we can rent a donkey for the evening, holla at your boy.
Oh, you can now contact the site at josh-at-schitthaus-dot-com. Feel free to e-mail for cheers, jeers, advice, or lusty gruntings. Your correspondence may be included for a new feature. I know, awfully enticing…
In a new feature, I will review the things from the past month that I’ve liked and things that I would punch in the face, whether or not there is a face to be punched. Now, for July’s installment of What’s Crouche?/What’s Schwag?
The Alphabet of Manliness is either the greatest book of all time or the greatest book in the universe. Definitely one of the two and possibly both. Civilizations will find it far into the future and realize that our society was a truly fearsome and mighty society that must have been run by PirateLumberjacks. It’s a handy, illustrated guide to all of the things that make being manly great, and how to do them better written by Maddox, the brains behind the Best Page in the Universe (present company excluded, naturally). Organized in a handy, alphabetical format, the guide moves you from ass kicking, boners and copping a feel all the way through jerky, beef and Norris, Chuck. Unfortunately I left my copy in PA, so I forget the rest. Joe brought this to a fantasy football draft last year and I pretty much finished the whole thing while some ding-dong across the country asked for the fifth time if Steve Smith was still on the board. Yes, ball sack, he was taken an hour and a half ago. Choke on your own vomit, please.
Maddox also has a comic book coming out, which I’ll be sure to check out. There’s also a post on iPods sucking. Should be a good read for all of us techno-coveters.
As an extension of this, I’m pretty sure I’m through with fantasy football, too. I had two extremes: the league where no one cares and the league where people are on at Tuesday 9AM to pick up players off of the waiver wire while some of us have to work for a living, thus two or three people with stacked rosters and I’m eating shit. Though I may come up with a fantasy fantasy football team just so I can come up with a team name. Check out this article if you are having trouble coming up with a name. I’m looking at you, Speedsters.I may come back, but for now I’m done. And I call dibs on the Rural Jurors if I do come back.
Now, if you’re a football fan, how can you not love the college game? The spirit of the students, the bands, the mascots, College Gameday… It’s all much more exciting to me. And these guys don’t get paid nearly as much as pro players, and it’s all under the table, so no contract disputes! It’s a win-win! Granted, my team stands even less of a chance winning a championship in college (Maryland) as they do in the pros (Skins) but f it. The games are cheaper and a lot more fun.
Oh, and Every Day Should Be Saturday is my favorite college football humor site. Welcome to the blogroll, Orson and co.
This is THRILLER!
Guess this beats making license plates. How do you think they chose the dude to be the girl? Do you think this is a decision that he regrets? In the early rehearsals did someone get shanked? So many questions… I guess that’s what makes this so great. Or maybe it’s how freakin’ good they are. (HT Kissing Suzy Kolber)
While not quite the ultimate man movie that I had envisioned in my reverse chick flick post, it’s pretty close. In the future… The future? In the year… 2000! Our newly fascistic country (off by a year and a half, darn) stages a cross-country road race from New York to LA. The drivers are the new gladiators. The navigators are busty cock towels (or poon towels, as the case may be. We are equal opportunity in the future). First one there wins. Oh, did I mention you get bonus points for vehicular homicide, with the elderly being worth the most? My second wildest dream has come true! It’s got everything you could ever want from a bad movie: gratuitous boobs, gratuitous violence, awful acting, young Sylvester Stallone and David Carradine (oh yeah, I mentioned awful acting already) and gratuitous boobs. Total classic.
I thoroughly explored the cheesesteak thing with the Pat’s vs. Geno’s challenge, but it bears repeating. I haven’t been able to get that flavor out of my head since then. Almost time to try my homegrown version. And yes, I have ordered a home angioplasty kit.
Courtney and I actually saw these guys on Conan about 2 years ago. Never heard of them, and they were hilarious. They did “Business Time,” which is definitely a great song when it’s time for business. That’s why we call it business time.
HBO picked them up for a show, and I love it. It’s a bit quirky, but hilarious. Brett and Jemaine are excellent foils for each other. Check it out. Or be a dick about it and don’t.
Miller High Life
Why would I give some love to Miller High Life? Because it isn’t as bad as I remember it. Took down an eighteen pack with the cousin on the way to a pretty fun, beery night. And no hangover. The champagne of beers, indeed! (Even though champagne makes me hung over like no other.)
Corn!
It’s sweet corn season, so hit the ATM and keep some dough on you while you’re driving around. The Silver Queen should be hitting your country roads at any minute. Enjoy, bitches.
The Crouche Douche: Wilco
The coveted Crouche Douche label goes to this band that I’ve really plunged into headfirst over the past month or so. I didn’t care too much for them at first, but their music kept growing on me and growing on me. Once I saw them live that was pretty much it for me. After reading Wilco: Learning How to Die I have an even greater respect for the band and the creative process. I think they’re one of the most inventive and original (while still very listenable, this cannot be overstated as it’s my problem with most every other inventive/original sounding band out there) American bands making music today. They manage to blend their experimental whims with a roots/rock/punk/country (at times) foundation in a striking fashion. A lot of bands could attempt to do something like this and greatly overreach their grasp, either making trashy sounding roots rock or over-processed experimental wankery (which some of their explorations can degenerate into, for sure). Wilco manages to strike the balance most all of the time. Their music has many layers that reveal themselves upon repeated listens, which is very rewarding for a music fan that hasn’t found a lot to be excited about musically in a while.
Check out Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, or Summerteeth if you’re a little scared of the experimentation. I definitely wouldn’t start off with A.M. or Sky Blue Sky. I didn’t care too much for them until I got into their other stuff.
What’s Schwag?
Summer
I’m one of those people that bitches about how cold it is in the winter, but I never say “I can’t wait for summer.” You know why? Because summer is too fucking hot. Once you graduate and head out into the real world, summer doesn’t quite have the same panache. I pretty much live in one season: work season, and the only difference is either being cold or sweaty balls. I like Spring, which we had a whopping 2 weeks of this year. Fall is cool, too. I definitely like those two times of the year the best. Which leads us to:
No rain
My lawn is brown (but I don’t have to mow, so that evens out) and the rivers are low. This sucks.
Cheez Whiz on anything else
I was so fired up after Philly for Cheez Whiz that I even got some to have with soft pretzels. Now I’ve been a salsa con queso guy on my soft pretzels for a while, but I craved the Whiz. I am also an idiot.Cheez Whiz sucks balls, unless it is accompanied with beef grease. Don’t make the same mistake I made.
Dogs fighting is sad and awful. Guess I’m glad I couldn’t get a Mexico #7 Falcons jersey after all.
Man vs. Wild faked?
Kissing Suzy Kolber first brought this to my attention (two HT’s in one post, lucky dogs…) yesterday. I think I’m going to take the “Whatever, I never heard that” tack with this one. But you know what? Who cares if he doesn’t sleep out in the wild all the time? That’s the easy part. He did drink his own pee, pee on his shirt and wrap it around his head to keep cool, kill a rabbit with two sticks tied together… I could really go on and on with this. He knows how to do all that stuff, and he shows us how. Do you think they have enough money in there for their budget for him to go find all of the perfect shit to make a raft, then put it together? Isn’t the knowledge enough? It’s TV for chrissakes… Get over it!
I think that made me feel better. I’ll keep telling myself that.
This would’ve been the Schwiggity Schwag if it wasn’t for the next one. A lady at work brought these in the other week. They were sitting on the back desk with a note saying “Try at your own risk! These are awful!”
So naturally, I tried them shits.
And boy, was she not lying. Perhaps one of the grossest things I’ve ever eaten in my life, and I couldn’t get the bastard taste out of my mouth all day.
I asked this woman what compelled her to get such things. She thought they may be a bit healthier and didn’t think they’d taste just like green tea. Poor, poor woman. What did you expect them to taste like, regular Hershey’s kisses? These things are ass. And if I ever offer you a Hershey’s kiss with a green striped wrapper, just say no. In fact, let’s just forget I said that.
The Schwiggity Schwag: Being Broke
For the 72nd straight month, being broke is the worst shit and thing I hate the most. Now, I could be a lot more broke, I understand that. I’m very thankful for what I’ve got, but shit… bills be kicking my ass. Almost time to start selling off my seed for $25 a shot.
Get ready, because I’m going to talk about baseball. This is pretty rare, but we’re on the cusp of a big moment for not only baseball, but all of sports.
Barry Bonds is quickly approaching Hank Aaron’s all-time home run record of 755, and a lot of people are pissed off. I know that the bulk of my readership (that’s 3 out of 5) are not sports fans, but this is an important story. This is something people will be talking about for the rest of our lives, or at least the rest of the year, and you should know at least something about it.Let me preface this by saying I am not a baseball fan. If you are reading this and are a big baseball fan you may think that I have a pretty cavalier attitude about the whole thing, and I probably do. There is a lot of real rage about this approaching landmark that I don’t really understand probably because I’m not a baseball fan.
I’d rather get in a groin punching contest with Mitch “Blood” Green than watch a baseball game on television any day of the week. But, like any other red-blooded American male I like to take a baseball game in at the park. Or at least drink a shload of beer at the park. I, like almost all American males in my demographic, also collected baseball cards with a fervent passion, so I’ve got a little residual love for the game thanks to cats like Dickie Thon and Rusty Kuntz. Imagine putting Dickie behind Kuntz in your lineup! Or on top of him. It’s all hot.
As such a kid I knew a pile about stats and records and whatnot, and the most monolithicrecord of them all is Hank Aaron’s 755 career home runs. That there is a lot of dingers. The previous record holder, some dude named Babe Ruth, had held that title for 39 years with 714 home runs. As kids we held that 755 in awe, and never did I imagine that I’d see someone break it. (more…)
Get ready, because I’m going to talk about baseball. This is pretty rare, but we’re on the cusp of a big moment for not only baseball, but all of sports.