Schitthaus.com

In an ongoing attempt to provide a public service to our readership, and since I’m the foremost expert in everything, I’ve decided to offer my expertise in all of the various areas where I’m truly knowledgeable. So to kick this thing off, I’m going to start with the one thing I’m perhaps the best at:

Taking a Dump at Work

You know the feeling. You’re sitting at your desk and you get a rumble in your stomach. What do you do? Hold onto it until quitting time or get up, slink down the hall and get it out of your life? If you’re of the former camp, what’s wrong with you? Pooping at work is one of the great American pastimes, up there with watching football, masturbation, and pooping at home. What are you, some kind of commie or something? You spend a third of your life at work. Factor in a long commute and your day could be half consumed before your cheeks get to hit home porcelain. So you’re going to rob time from your precious loved ones/pets/internet porn by waiting until you get home to drop it like it’s hot? Home field advantage is an undeniable luxury, but come on! When nature calls you can’t always make it home, and nature doesn’t leave voice mails, so why don’t you get off your high horse and use the company facilities?

The Case For

There are a number of great reasons to make a boom boom at work. Some are even more compelling than going at home. Behold, the knowledge:

The work bathroom is probably cleaner than your house bathroom. Someone gets paid to clean your work bathroom nearly every day. How often do you clean the crapper at home? Weekly? Yeah right. I’ve been to your house, and that’s a crock. And unless you work at a VD clinic, the cleaning is probably good to go all day.

Even if you re-enact the bombing of Nagasaki with you colon, someone else has to clean the mess. So let me get this straight. Not only is it clean when I get there, I can also blow it the fuck up and not have to clean up the consequences? Fuck and yes…

There’s a distinct chance that your boss or an asshole co-worker will have to endure your stank. Did the boss dress you down at the meeting? Did that jagoff in accounting take your parking spot? Deal with the wretched stank from my small intestine, you mouthbreathing dick bag!

You get paid to shit at work. How does it get better than that? Let me repeat myself in case you missed it… YOU GET PAID TO SHIT AT WORK. Let me get this straight, you give me money to grunt one out between the hours of 8-4:30? Maybe this gig isn’t as bad as I thought. You get to get up from your desk, saunter down the hall, and take a nice 3-15 minute break with no phone calls or annoying co-workers to bother you. Where do I sign up? Oh yeah, that’s right… In the bathroom. Look, if this doesn’t persuade you then you are a lost soul, and there is no hope for you. Invest in some diapers, you dandy.

Now that you’re convinced, all this doo-doo talk probably has you ripe for an evacuation. But not so fast! If you’re a rookie you need to know the right way to go about workplace number 2’s. Even a professional should take some time to reacquaint his or herself with

Potty Etiquette

In my past 10 years of office work I have seen some gross offenders. Poop is some dirty business, but it doesn’t have to be that dirty.

• Bathroom selection

If you work at a one john office then you’re kind of screwed. You can skip on, but I’d advise against it because you may actually get a decent job one day at a company that cares enough to give you two or more shitters. Pop quiz, hot shot: That carnitas burrito from Chipotle has just hit your guts and is dying to get out. You have two options. 1) The one holer in the heavily populated area of work where everyone pees or 2) The 6 staller down the hall where the executives are located, but few of your fellow ops employees. Where do you go? If you answered 1, you are a fucking bastard. This example was not just pulled out of thin air, this is an actual real life experience, culled from my work at The Nerdery. Calvin was the night testing manager and survived on a diet of coffee and Copenhagen (not to mention that he had a WICKED mullet. Cheers, fuckface.) so you can just imagine what this guy’s b.m.’s were like. They were of a noxious and humid variety. Weaker men have been brought to their knees by this guy’s stench. So where does asshole choose to make it happen? The little shitter, because it’s closer. Now, if he would’ve went down the hall no one would’ve been around and he could’ve fumigated the entire place and no one would be the wiser. Instead I actually had to pull my shirt up over my nose ninja style just to pee pee. Rat-soup eating motherfucker.

Okay, you picked the right bathroom. Now what?

• Reading material

This really depends on how long you’re going to be, and no one knows this better than you. A diet rich in protein? Reading material is not necessary for quickies, though a 1-2 page column or news story are acceptable. High fiber diet? Go ahead and print off that Bill Simmons 5 pager and relax. Taco Bell for lunch? If it’s football season you can print off TMQ and maybe be able to finish it before you either wipe or your legs go numb. DO NOT let your legs go numb. It is not cool to have to be carried out of the bathroom because you’re a lavatory librarian. Hemmorhoids are also a possibility.

Another question you need to answer is what is the traffic situation in this bathroom? You don’t want to emerge from the stall with a magazine or newspaper when your President or CEO has IBS and is in the bathroom almost as much as his desk. Of course I’m not speaking from experience, but I’d recognize those wingtips anywhere. My solution? Print something off of the Internet, read it, flush, then fold it while the flush is going on. If no one is in there, no problem. If there are potty mates, put the paper in your pocket. The perfect crime, indeed. Now when I was working the night shift I’d make a big production of which magazine I was going to pick, then flamboyantly tuck it under my arm and march down the hall without an ounce of shame. Then I’d come back and carry on like I just gave birth. Why? Because the audience was receptive. Don’t try this when you’re one of 3 males in the room. The ladies, on the whole, don’t share in the love.

Some office shitters I’ve frequented may have a newspaper on the floor that someone had brought in. Doesn’t it go without saying to not read this newspaper? Some dude who was pooping was holding onto this paper. Just let this one go, even in a reading emergency.

The bathroom has been selected, the appropriate reading material has been procured and you’re off to the bathroom. You get in there and there are other people in the bathroom. Now what? Do you want to be known as the shitter? Are you in the company of fellow wanton shitters? Most of the time I will not start nesting if there are other people in the can. Mainly because I don’t want to be the subject of a “guess who’s in the bathroom baking brownies” conversation. However, there are a couple of guys I work with who are office dumpers and damn proud of it. They don’t care who’s there, and will probably say something like “Whew, holy shit do I have to take a dump.” I haven’t quite reached that stage. I’m more stealth. I may stop in the hall if I see someone else going in to my original target bathroom and head to the alternate. Then again, I normally don’t wait until the turtle head starts poking out before I make my decision, so I’m probably cool to wait a bit, too. To protect your rep, I advise against pooing with company. And, if someone has come in during the course of my movement I will usually wait until they leave, unless they’re having a sitting event, then I’ll wash up and get out. Does that make me weird? I guess it’s a little too late since I’ve already devoted this much bandwidth to pooping at work.

• Making noise

One way in which I am not usually shy is making noise. Not in terms of grunting (that’s for kids and the constipated), I mean the accompanying gas. If you follow my principles from the previous paragraph you’re either by yourself in the john or anonymously evacuating, so why not have some fun with it? This step is for the more advanced. You have to be comfortable in your act for this to be cool.

• To spray or not to spray, that is the question

In most men’s rooms this isn’t even an option as no spray is to be found. This is why the larger bathrooms are preferred, because scent dispersal is a lot easier in a larger room. However, some offices have placed Lysol in the bathrooms. DO NOT EVER USE LYSOL AFTER YOU SHIT!!!! I am fucking serious. Lysol DOES NOT cover the odor. It binds with the odor to make an unholy scent that is almost guaranteed to make you throw up. You know who used Lysol after his dumps? Calvin. The noxious cloud would seriously make my eyes water. Boy I hated Calvin.

I’ve heard a rumor that some ladies rooms have good spray like Oust or something like it. This is totally acceptable. Of course they wouldn’t put these in the mens room because, being men, we would piss all over them. It’s just the way of the world.

That’s pretty much all you need to know to successfully shit at work. Follow my principles and you’ll be making money for performing one of the most basic of bodily functions all while your more timid co-workers sit at their desks with rumblings in their stomachs and sweat beading on their brows, just because they’re too chicken to go potty like an adult.