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What it is, bitchez? It’s been a while, mainly due to my hunter safety class.

What’s that you say? Hunter safety class? Yeah, I took it. I’m a bit of an outdoorsman, don’t you know. Funny story, actually…

I’m not going to get into whether or not hunting is right (it is, for population control. If only we could do the same for people…), or if I think people should own assault rifles (no, I don’t… You don’t need a fully automatic weapon for anything other than killing people), but I like eating the game my cousins kill, so I figure, why not. I’ll try this for myself and not be some sucka leech, though they’ll tell you they don’t mind.

To be a licensed hunter in MD you need to pass a hunter safety course, and this is its story. I thought to myself “Self, fuck it. Get this thing over with,” so I signed up for the earliest possible class, one that happened to be taught in Downsville. Most of you probably don’t know Downsville, but if you did it would have made you chuckle. You could meet this lady in Downsville. ‘Nuff said. Needless to say it was very evident that I was not “one of them.” Oh, and did I mention that Rudy and I (I’m the one winning) were the oldest people in that class by about 15 years? Yeah, pretty sweet.

The three night course was full of propaganda. Lots of NRA shit and tree-hugging references. Oh, and “that party that just got elected wants to take away your guns.” That was fun. But the most shocking part of the whole experience was the age of most of these kids. There was a kid who wasn’t a day older than five. FIVE! And there was a girl who may or may not have been a little on the retarded side.

The last night we have our test, and the younger kids can have an adult “read” for them in case they don’t understand the question. Look, if you don’t understand the question, I don’t want you holding a gun in the same woods as me. So we finished the “exam” in about 12 minutes, aced that shit, then rolled across the street to get two quarts of Old Milwaukee to chug while we waited for the booger eaters to finish their tests. When we go back in the room there’s a girl who’s dad is literally over her shoulder telling her the answers! Everyone passed. It was a feel good moment.

Again, say what you will about the process of hunting and those that participate in it, but for fuck’s sake, this safety course was a joke. I learned a lot of good things, but you can’t tell me that the five year old with the finger jammed way up his nose during the review remembers a lick of what we did. Nor can you tell me the girl who thought an elephant was a non-game animal (it is) and said she only said it because it’s her favorite animal. Do you think either of these kids have the mental wherewithall to be turned loose in the woods? I’m under the assumption that these kids will be hunting with their parents, but you won’t see me hunting on Washington County public land pretty much ever. Scary shit, indeed…

So what else is new… My favorite whipping boy Josh McRoberts is declaring for the draft after his sophomore season at Duke. Oh yeah, good luck with that one. Your coaches won’t be there to dry the tears in the NBA. And Ron Artest may chew off your face in the shower Hannibal Lecter style. Here’s hoping he goes to the Kings! And not to worry, Duke haters, Greg Paulus is sticking around.

My new t-shirt came in today. Here’s the story behind it. And don’t click the link on the page with this link, the URL’s been sold and it isn’t anything about Mutombo.

That’s pretty much it. Time to battle this headache and the accompanying nausea for day 10.

Got off work early thanks to the weather. Fuck a weather. Decided not to waste the extra hour and a half the man gave me and take in a matinee of 300, if only to keep myself a virgin to the taste of Joe’s mincing, salty balls. I know I said I was holding out for the IMAX release, well wouldn’t you know the douchers in our area aren’t showing it due to it’s R-uh rating. Ain’t that about a bitch? Hey, Smithsonian, it’s a HISTORY movie (sorta). This is the story of a very important battle (with boobies and much, much dismemeberment interspersed)! Closest IMAX theaters showing it? Shittsburgh, Philthadelphia, and New York. So, if you live near a good urban area (or Pittsburgh), do yourself a favor and go see that shit. This movie is a bad mother—shut your mouth! I can only imagine that the IMAX version would rock your ass right off.

I’m not going to chat it up too much, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. Even though there was a full dip cup a couple of seats down from me. Hagerstown is totally great… And I had a pee pee the likes of which I haven’t seen since The Departed rip me from a scene with copious gratuitous boobie shots.

I do have to say though, that Xerxes guy creeped me the fuck out. He is what I imagine will be pounding you in the ass on the daily if you go to Hell. I mean, look at this shit, is this motherfucker not straight out of a Tool video or what?

So thank you, weather, for leaving me housebound for another weekend, but you didn’t keep me from watching a bad ass motherfucking film.

Is anyone else’s brackets busted like a 12 year old Thai hooker? Me neither, I’m still hanging tight. And Duke lost! Much rejoicing on my part. In honor of which, I have this video of Josh McRoberts, Duke “stud” forward who is a punk ass bitch. He plays like a stiff, flops like a Frenchman in the World Cup, and cries like Dick Vermeil. Show some love, bitches. Apparently someone else is feeling it, too.

Off to shovel the snow. Thanks again, douchebag storm front.