Pat’s vs. Geno’s - The Definitive Answer
Monday, July 9th, 2007
The Olde English had Canterbury, hippies have Woodstock, Muslims have Mecca, lardasses and carnivores have the corner of 9th and Passyunk in Philadelphia. There you will find the twin titans of the cheesesteak world, Pat’s and Geno’s. Being both of the aforementioned, the cheesesteak is one of my favorite foods of all time. And what’s not to love? Greasy beef, artery clogging (often fake) cheese… Best thing ever, man. So when you swear allegiance to a food, you look for the best. You grow weary of your local pizza and sub shop’s variant and seek the real deal. And if you eventually seek the real deal, you end up in the middle of South Philly, where I happened to find myself on a balmy Sunday in July.
Ask a hundred Philadelphians and you’ll be hard pressed to find a majority (but most everyone I know says Pat’s). How often do you find yourself in South Philly? Do you want to go home unsure of who the real king of the steak is? And if you have a pocket full of cash and you’re hungry like the wolf you can’t bitch out. You don’t go for one of the other, you go for both. Decisions are for pussies.
With my lovely assistant and our two hungover compatriots we set out to find out the truth. I’m not going to tell you which one you must go to. I will instead present the facts, measure them up tale of the tape style, and present you with my favorite. But do yourself a favor. Try both.
Pat’s vs. Geno’s - The Tale of the Tape
Let’s start from the outside and work our way in. This is kind of cheating, because I’m about 90% sure that they use the same bread: the ubiquitous philly roll from Amoroso’s. The roll is darn tasty. It’s a little bit tougher than your run of the mill supermarket hoagie roll, but South Philly is a little tougher than your normal neighborhood. It’s delightfully spongy. Geno’s seemed to have been a little more “done,” so to speak. It gave it a pronounced bread flavor. I’m sure this was a fluke and they don’t order their rolls extra cripsy, but I liked their roll better on my trip.
Edge: Geno’s
Here’s the biggest difference between a steak from Pat’s and a steak from Geno’s. Pat’s chops theirs up finely. Geno’s steak looks a little more shaved than chopped. Geno’s had a very beefy flavor to it, whereas Pat’s beef (no homo) did not overwhelm with flavor, but acted more as a part of the ensemble. I think they both had their merits, but I prefer Pat’s by a hair. I liked the chop and everything else Pat’s meat brought to the table, but Geno’s had the (slightly) better flavor and that’s pretty much it.
Edge: Pat’s
Unless you are a major fruit, you only get your steaks with Whiz. That’s Cheez Whiz to you, fucko. I was a little leery of the Whiz at first, being a sissy semi-rural suburbanite that made his steaks with Velveeta, then provolone when I thought my shit didn’t stink. Turns out I was more right on with the Velveeta. It’s not just the taste that’s better with the Whiz, it’s the meltitude. By using the Whiz it allows all of the components (there better be onions in there, too, Nancy) to form one sweet mass. This is what makes the difference between a steak and cheese and a cheesesteak. Now it starts to make sense, eh?
So who’s the winner here? I can’t confirm, but I’ve read that Geno’s doesn’t use Kraft brand Cheez Whiz. I don’t know about that, but the Pat’s Whiz was off the hook. That may also be because I accidently ordered it with extra Whiz, but my mistake was serendipitous. Geno’s cheese was meager, even taking into account that I got extra Whiz at Pat’s. This is a place where Geno’s definitely could’ve shined and may have eventually taken the title, which may lead us to Pat’s vs. Geno’s II - Geno’s Revenge.
Edge: Pat’s
You really don’t need any more than a steak if you go to one of these joints, but if you’re feeling saucy they both offer fries, and they both offer them with cheese. That’s right, bitches, Whiz fries. Pat’s fries were tasty and delicious, even though there was WAY too much Whiz. Geno’s fries sucked, big time. They tasted like cafeteria fries. And unless you go to school at Thrasher’s French Fries University, those fries sucked. I didn’t really pay attention to the rest of Pat’s menu. Geno’s has a roast pork sandwich that my boy Justin says is pretty tasty. I’ll probably never find out, but I trust him on it. Pat’s had a nice little pepper and condiment bar. Not that I needed it. I felt a little dumb even putting a touch of ketchup on it and I did not repeat the mistake at Geno’s, even though I should’ve. Geno’s had a little less on the condiment side. I could really care less, I suppose. Oh yeah, Pat’s serves Pepsi and Geno’s serves Coke. That being said, Pat’s still gets the edge with the Whiz fries.
Edge: Pat’s
This is a no-brainer. The affable older gentleman working the window at Geno’s was much nicer than the surly goombah at Pat’s. Then again, some people like the whole “what the fuck do you want” kind of attitude they give you at Pat’s. I get it, you’re the King of Steaks. Now shut up and ring me up.
Edge: Geno’s
Another no-contest. Pat’s was like a fucking dump, literally. Garbage and pigeons everywhere. I have no idea what the condition of the inside was, but it looked like a hellhole. Geno’s, on the other hand, was near pristine. There was no junk on the sidewalk, the kitchen looked very clean, and there was hardly a pigeon. A couple rogue asshole Goodfeathers from Pat’s stomped around on the sidewalk, but no big deal.
MAJOR Edge: Geno’s
As anyone that knows about these two places will tell you, Geno’s is the gaudy place clad in orange and neon. Celebrity photos adorn the walls. Hey, no shit, James Gandolfini eats cheesesteaks? Get the fuck out of here! There is also tons of law enforcement paraphernalia all over the place. There’s a big picture and dedication to Officer Daniel Faulkner, the cop that was allegedly shot by Mumia Abu-Jamal at the front of the building. I’m guessing The Boss and Rage Against the Machine are Pat’s guys. Joe Vento, proprietor of Geno’s, apparently has a bug up his ass about people trying to order in “not English.” There are numerous signs, stickers, and t-shirts saying “This is America. When ordering SPEAK ENGLISH.” Not entirely sure how I feel about that, but he’s made a kind of cottage industry out of it.
Pat’s, on the other hand, is pretty much entirely void of pretense, unless you consider counter guy being an asshole to you as a pretense (and I may), though I have to say he wasn’t entirely rude to me, just brusque. . There is a handy sign next to the window advising you how to order, which is nice. It’s a charming enough place, in it’s seamy, trashy glory. I guess it depends on what kind of person you are. If you’re a flamer you like the Geno’s aesthetic. If you’re a bowie knife shaving, shocker giving, red-blooded American then you probably like the Pat’s style. All that being said, I still liked Pat’s better. Geno’s seemed really corporate, and that isn’t me. Also, Beth and Justin were TOTALLY hungover, and Pat’s brought them back like a Life potion in Final Fantasy. What, too nerdy? Cheesesteaks are truly God’s food. They have miraculous healing powers.
Edge: Pat’s
As you can tell, when it came to the shit that really mattered, the meat, cheese, and roll, the contest was very close. Ultimately it comes down to do you like your meat chopped or shaved? I prefer mine stroked, but that, fortunately, was not an option, though the guy at Pat’s had big forearms. But I digress… I say Pat’s is truly the King of Steaks, but it’s no landslide. Geno’s is very decent in their own right. And with a couple of tweaks to my order (extra whiz?) we very easily could’ve had a push, or even a Geno’s victory. But this time we did not, so Pat’s is the winner.
Oh, and here’s where I got that one picture. What the fuck?