Schitthaus.com

One of the reasons I started this whole thing was to be able to talk about significant cultural events: the end of The Sopranos, Barry Bonds becoming the MLB Boom King, shitting at work… You know, the important stuff. So, thanks to 5 lads from Oxford, England I am forgoing my travelogue to talk about yet another significant cultural event: the release of a new Radiohead album.

That’s right, Radiohead has released their seventh proper studio album titled, gaily enough, In Rainbows, but you won’t find this thing where most proper studio albums reside. Sam Goody don’t got it. (Does that place even exist anymore?) Best Buy doesn’t have it. So where can you find this thing? Right about here.

Without a contract with a record label, Radiohead has opted to take the power back and release it themselves over the intarwebz as a download and as a discbox to be released in December, which just sounds bananas. More on that later.

And how much will this download cost you? What would you say if I told you “however much you want,” is that something you might be interested in? In a marketing scheme that is certainly not RIAA approved, you can pay anywhere from $0.00 to a million-trillion dollars for this thing. Well, thank you very much, gentlemen.

So now that you have the tools to get it, just what did you pay (or not pay, as the case more than likely is) for? In short, ten tracks of excellent Radiohead music.

Radiohead is quite a conundrum of a band. From their humble roots as guitar rocking brit-poppers to breathtaking visionary pop virtuosos on the grandest of scales to general documenters of electronic fart noises, Radiohead has run the gamut over their fourteen plus years. Each new album has been the source of great anticipation resulting sometimes in magnificent bliss, sometimes in mild (or great, depending on the day) disappointment. Regardless, no matter what you always got the same thing: Radiohead doing whatever the hell they felt like, and doing it thoughtfully with great effort and detail. No matter your thoughts on any of their albums, you have to hand them that. These guys put as much of themselves in their work as any great painter, chef or San Fernando Valley porno star.

This is the same band that made one of the best albums of all time, OK Computer. (Really, can this even be disputed? I’ve listened to that album hundreds of times and it still gives me chills.) Then, as a follow-up, decided to do just about everything in their power to alienate all of their fans by doing a complete 180 and making rather inaccessible electronic music. I remember the first time I played Kid A. I said aloud “What the fuck is this,” ate some mushrooms and put on OK Computer again. Mission accomplished, Radiohead.

Over time I learned to appreciate Kid A (and it’s follow-up, Amnesiac). You could even say I like these albums a good deal, actually. But every mention of a new song or album always brought with it the same questions: “Did they remember how to play their guitars for this one?” “Is this the return to OK Computer form?” “Who moved my cheese?”

When Hail to the Thief was released I expected little. In fact, I even resigned myself to another album of noisy, atmospheric bleep-bloop futurism. I was almost looking forward to it. Then the chorus to “2+2=5” exploded out of my speakers with potent guitar fury that hadn’t been heard from the band since the beginning of “Airbag,” starting off an album that seemed to pull the best parts of all of their meanderings together. The album may have been sprawling and imperfect, but it was fucking awesome nonetheless (critics and Allmusic.com be damned) and oh so welcome, complete with a couple of songs I would deem classics (“There There,” The Balls.). Definitely a worthy exercise for everyone involved.

If there’s one thing the release of Hail to the Thief taught me about new Radiohead albums is that you shouldn’t really expect anything. You’re going to get what they’re going to give you. Just sit back and enjoy it. This brings us to In Rainbows, the aforementioned seventh proper studio albums so coyly released with hardly a peep.

Tracking the progress of this release went a little something like this for me, tracked by posts and news on Pitchfork. Thank you, sirs (and ma’ams):

1/19/07: Radiohead working on album.
4/18/07: 10 second clip of new song. It’s all happening!
6/13/07: “WE ARE NEARLY THERE…” Thanks, Ed.
8/15/07: No new Radiohead album in 2007.
—Dead air due to wedding and honeymoon—
10/8/07: Holy crap! Radiohead is releasing an album in two days!!! Visit site, find out it’s free, “buy that bitch” and wait for the download code.
10/10/07: Wake up early, download, and Pod it to listen to at work.

That’s about it. That seems to have taken a long time, but seriously, those sneaky bastards! I was well ready to not even think about that album until the new year, yet here we are with ten new Radiohead tracks. Life is pretty decent.

“Enough with the exposition, already! Tell me, is it good? Is it worth the money?”

Well, of course it’s worth the money, you cheeky git, it was free! I would’ve been glad to give them a little scratch for it, but I didn’t have a little scratch. And I certainly didn’t have a shitload of scratch for the discbox. So I’ll just try and catch them on the flip side with either the discbox (that’s around Christmas bonus time) or when some dudes in suits put it on the shelves in proper form with pretty album artwork. They may even do the dual release with the fancy packaged version and the regular version. I’ll probably buy both of them, too, so no, I don’t feel bad about getting a freebie on this one. They still owe me from the concert I got tickets for that got stormed out back in 2001, too, so I’m karmically fine with all of this.

Speaking of the discbox, it’s a music wanker’s and Radiohead-phile’s (pretty much the same thing) dream, consisting of the new album on cd and vinyl, as well as a bonus cd with more new songs and extra junk as well as lyric booklets, all wrapped up in a hardback book with a slipcase. I just got a nerd boner. But busting the nerd nut will cost you 40 pounds (that’s $80 to us Yanks).

Now let’s talk about the music. In Rainbows combines the best elements of all eras of Radiohead in perfect proportion: small swaths of drum machine (or drum machine sounding drums, courtesy of master drummer Phil Selway), lots of guitars (! a little loud, a lot soft), moody atmospherics… You name it, if you liked it it’s on this album.

The first sounds you hear are the frenetic drum machine handclaps of “15 Steps.” The rest of the song plays as a study between light and dark with airy guitars battling brooding basslines. The following 9 songs run the gamut from upbeat distorted (dance?)rockers (“Bodysnatchers,” a spiritual descendent of OK Computer’s “Electioneering”) to emotional chillers (the closing track “Videotapes,” which has nothing to do with your mom in German scheisse videos). The bulk of the album resides somewhere in between. The prevailing sound of In Rainbows is acoustic or clean-toned electric guitars with a shuffling beat (“Weird Fishes/Apreggi” and “Jigsaw Falling Into Place,” two stellar examples). While most Radiohead albums are best listened to at night or in winter, this one could actually be a nice soundtrack to a pleasant summer drive, your next workout at the gym, or some hardcore pound fucking sweet love making in the afternoon. That is, if you don’t have any Slayer available.

My favorite song on the album, which is pretty tough to pick since they’re all good, would probably be “All I Need.” A bassy synth that sounds similar to something out of a Peter Kruder production meanders over a perfect beat with bell and piano flourishes. Thom Yorke uses his low, seductive pseudo-croak to weave a sinister sounding song of obsession, telling the object of his affection “I’m in the middle of your picture lying in the reeds.” Oh, so that was the creepy dude with the lazy eye that was following us around! With about a minute to go all of these little parts reach a crescendo indicative of the very thing that made me like Radiohead in the first place: the uncanny ability to play the right notes and parts at exactly the right time and bring it all together to make the hair stand up on the back of my neck. This song harkens back to the sound explored in “Talk Show Host,” from the Romeo + Juliet soundtrack, and not coincidentally one of my favorite Radiohead songs of all time. Total classic.

Listening to Radiohead in the post-OK Computer era, one gets the feeling that these albums were not easy, let alone fun, to make. Even Hail to the Thief, with the exception of songs like “There There,” has the clinical sheen of Kid A and Amnesiac in the production. While I love that album, it doesn’t sound like the work of a group of friends making music together. Where Hail to the Thief came off as an intense and cathartic audio exercise, In Rainbows feels much more, dare I say, serene. There’s a sense of relaxation and even fun that informs each of the tracks in a way that hasn’t been heard since the more earnest pop moments of The Bends. Perhaps the lack of pressure from a studio and freedom from deadlines allowed them to just relax and make the music the way they wanted to. And maybe Thom Yorke got all of the crazy electronic atmospherics out of his system on his solo album The Eraser, allowing for an album that sounds much more like a group effort, and the music is all the better for it. Upon each listen of In Rainbows, it seems as though Radiohead is actually enjoying making music, which is quite a breakthrough for a band that seems to take themselves so seriously. In Rainbows is a breath of fresh air in the midst of all the new music wankery we’ve been suggested to, and is a welcome addition to anyone’s music collection. So what are you waiting for? Go download that bitch! And if you don’t like it you’re stupid.

The Olde English had Canterbury, hippies have Woodstock, Muslims have Mecca, lardasses and carnivores have the corner of 9th and Passyunk in Philadelphia. There you will find the twin titans of the cheesesteak world, Pat’s and Geno’s. Being both of the aforementioned, the cheesesteak is one of my favorite foods of all time. And what’s not to love? Greasy beef, artery clogging (often fake) cheese… Best thing ever, man. So when you swear allegiance to a food, you look for the best. You grow weary of your local pizza and sub shop’s variant and seek the real deal. And if you eventually seek the real deal, you end up in the middle of South Philly, where I happened to find myself on a balmy Sunday in July.

Ask a hundred Philadelphians and you’ll be hard pressed to find a majority (but most everyone I know says Pat’s). How often do you find yourself in South Philly? Do you want to go home unsure of who the real king of the steak is? And if you have a pocket full of cash and you’re hungry like the wolf you can’t bitch out. You don’t go for one of the other, you go for both. Decisions are for pussies.

With my lovely assistant and our two hungover compatriots we set out to find out the truth. I’m not going to tell you which one you must go to. I will instead present the facts, measure them up tale of the tape style, and present you with my favorite. But do yourself a favor. Try both.

Pat’s vs. Geno’s - The Tale of the Tape

Bread

Let’s start from the outside and work our way in. This is kind of cheating, because I’m about 90% sure that they use the same bread: the ubiquitous philly roll from Amoroso’s. The roll is darn tasty. It’s a little bit tougher than your run of the mill supermarket hoagie roll, but South Philly is a little tougher than your normal neighborhood. It’s delightfully spongy. Geno’s seemed to have been a little more “done,” so to speak. It gave it a pronounced bread flavor. I’m sure this was a fluke and they don’t order their rolls extra cripsy, but I liked their roll better on my trip.

Edge: Geno’s

Meat

Here’s the biggest difference between a steak from Pat’s and a steak from Geno’s. Pat’s chops theirs up finely. Geno’s steak looks a little more shaved than chopped. Geno’s had a very beefy flavor to it, whereas Pat’s beef (no homo) did not overwhelm with flavor, but acted more as a part of the ensemble. I think they both had their merits, but I prefer Pat’s by a hair. I liked the chop and everything else Pat’s meat brought to the table, but Geno’s had the (slightly) better flavor and that’s pretty much it.

Edge: Pat’s

Cheese

Unless you are a major fruit, you only get your steaks with Whiz. That’s Cheez Whiz to you, fucko. I was a little leery of the Whiz at first, being a sissy semi-rural suburbanite that made his steaks with Velveeta, then provolone when I thought my shit didn’t stink. Turns out I was more right on with the Velveeta. It’s not just the taste that’s better with the Whiz, it’s the meltitude. By using the Whiz it allows all of the components (there better be onions in there, too, Nancy) to form one sweet mass. This is what makes the difference between a steak and cheese and a cheesesteak. Now it starts to make sense, eh?

So who’s the winner here? I can’t confirm, but I’ve read that Geno’s doesn’t use Kraft brand Cheez Whiz. I don’t know about that, but the Pat’s Whiz was off the hook. That may also be because I accidently ordered it with extra Whiz, but my mistake was serendipitous. Geno’s cheese was meager, even taking into account that I got extra Whiz at Pat’s. This is a place where Geno’s definitely could’ve shined and may have eventually taken the title, which may lead us to Pat’s vs. Geno’s II - Geno’s Revenge.

Edge: Pat’s

Other Food Related Things

You really don’t need any more than a steak if you go to one of these joints, but if you’re feeling saucy they both offer fries, and they both offer them with cheese. That’s right, bitches, Whiz fries. Pat’s fries were tasty and delicious, even though there was WAY too much Whiz. Geno’s fries sucked, big time. They tasted like cafeteria fries. And unless you go to school at Thrasher’s French Fries University, those fries sucked. I didn’t really pay attention to the rest of Pat’s menu. Geno’s has a roast pork sandwich that my boy Justin says is pretty tasty. I’ll probably never find out, but I trust him on it. Pat’s had a nice little pepper and condiment bar. Not that I needed it. I felt a little dumb even putting a touch of ketchup on it and I did not repeat the mistake at Geno’s, even though I should’ve. Geno’s had a little less on the condiment side. I could really care less, I suppose. Oh yeah, Pat’s serves Pepsi and Geno’s serves Coke. That being said, Pat’s still gets the edge with the Whiz fries.

Edge: Pat’s

Service

This is a no-brainer. The affable older gentleman working the window at Geno’s was much nicer than the surly goombah at Pat’s. Then again, some people like the whole “what the fuck do you want” kind of attitude they give you at Pat’s. I get it, you’re the King of Steaks. Now shut up and ring me up.

Edge: Geno’s

Cleanliness

Another no-contest. Pat’s was like a fucking dump, literally. Garbage and pigeons everywhere. I have no idea what the condition of the inside was, but it looked like a hellhole. Geno’s, on the other hand, was near pristine. There was no junk on the sidewalk, the kitchen looked very clean, and there was hardly a pigeon. A couple rogue asshole Goodfeathers from Pat’s stomped around on the sidewalk, but no big deal.

MAJOR Edge: Geno’s

Miscellaneous

As anyone that knows about these two places will tell you, Geno’s is the gaudy place clad in orange and neon. Celebrity photos adorn the walls. Hey, no shit, James Gandolfini eats cheesesteaks? Get the fuck out of here! There is also tons of law enforcement paraphernalia all over the place. There’s a big picture and dedication to Officer Daniel Faulkner, the cop that was allegedly shot by Mumia Abu-Jamal at the front of the building. I’m guessing The Boss and Rage Against the Machine are Pat’s guys. Joe Vento, proprietor of Geno’s, apparently has a bug up his ass about people trying to order in “not English.” There are numerous signs, stickers, and t-shirts saying “This is America. When ordering SPEAK ENGLISH.” Not entirely sure how I feel about that, but he’s made a kind of cottage industry out of it.

Pat’s, on the other hand, is pretty much entirely void of pretense, unless you consider counter guy being an asshole to you as a pretense (and I may), though I have to say he wasn’t entirely rude to me, just brusque. . There is a handy sign next to the window advising you how to order, which is nice. It’s a charming enough place, in it’s seamy, trashy glory. I guess it depends on what kind of person you are. If you’re a flamer you like the Geno’s aesthetic. If you’re a bowie knife shaving, shocker giving, red-blooded American then you probably like the Pat’s style. All that being said, I still liked Pat’s better. Geno’s seemed really corporate, and that isn’t me. Also, Beth and Justin were TOTALLY hungover, and Pat’s brought them back like a Life potion in Final Fantasy. What, too nerdy? Cheesesteaks are truly God’s food. They have miraculous healing powers.

Edge: Pat’s

Final Verdict

As you can tell, when it came to the shit that really mattered, the meat, cheese, and roll, the contest was very close. Ultimately it comes down to do you like your meat chopped or shaved? I prefer mine stroked, but that, fortunately, was not an option, though the guy at Pat’s had big forearms. But I digress… I say Pat’s is truly the King of Steaks, but it’s no landslide. Geno’s is very decent in their own right. And with a couple of tweaks to my order (extra whiz?) we very easily could’ve had a push, or even a Geno’s victory. But this time we did not, so Pat’s is the winner.

Oh, and here’s where I got that one picture. What the fuck?

I’m finally ready to start talking about the Sopranos finale. For those of you that haven’t seen it yet, get a fucking grip. It’s been weeks. Seriously. If you don’t want to ruin it for yourselves just turn away, but for those of you that have seen it, let’s rap a bit, shall we?

Let’s just start by saying that The Sopranos is pretty much my favorite show of all time. Or definitely in the top 2 with The Wire (and I guess we’ll just limit that to dramas, since The Simpsons and Seinfeld are both way up at the top, too). Andy and I got in on the ground floor back in the day and, with the exception of an HBO-less time of my life, pretty much stuck with it through thick and thin.

I mean, come on! What’s not to love about The Sopranos? Hot Mafia action? Check. Gratuitous nudity? Check. A guy named Big Pussy? Roger. Paulie Walnuts? You got it. Paulie’s hair? It’s a package deal, my friend. I could go on and on. The Sopranos were my regular Sunday night thing back before I had a regular Saturday night thing. It sucks to see it go, but it has served me well. It provided a reason to get together with friends, an excuse to talk like a goombah, and inspiration for some pretty decent Italian dinners.

And Tony Soprano? The motherfucking man. He got the power. He got the sweet gumars. He curbed that dude in the restaurant for being rude to his daughter. He beat the shit out of some dude (it’s been a long time, but I thought it was Phil Leotardo) after running him off the road and making him wreck his car, perhaps my favorite Sopranos moment of all time. If you needed your weekly dose of bad-assery  look no further than the fat guy from Jersey who sounds like he’s always sleeping. I love that guy. But I digress…

Now you know you can’t just close up an institution like that and make everyone happy. You just can’t. Remember the Seinfeld finale? Did you just curse or think about cursing? Then yes, you do remember. When you flip the switch on something that’s become a part of people’s lives prepare for bitching and cursing. It comes with the territory. My initial thoughts on the end were Tony and the family carry on, constantly looking over their shoulders and never knowing what’s going to happen next. This is the life they cut out for themselves and they will carry on accordingly, just like they always have. They’re the average American family that has to put up with shit just like we do: dipshit kids, job troubles, bears in their swimming pool, people constantly trying to kill them. We can all relate.

I lived for the past two weeks with this mindset, but there was always a part of me that doubted. Maybe it was the Journey that got to me, but I didn’t want to stop believing. Here was a batch of characters that I’ve grown attached to (ok, Tony at least. Fuck AJ, Carmella can eat a dick, and Meadow just needs to take her top off. That is if she can get that car of hers parked.) and I’ll be damned if I’m willing to let them go. And now, thanks to this dude Bob Harris, I am totally convinced and living in denial no more. Tony, he dead. I mean disco dead. That’s just the way it is, baby.

You can check out his take on it here. It is long. Like, my Johnson long, but it’s definitely worth the read if you 1) have ever considered yourself a fan and 2) have seen the finale (which if number 1 is true should be a foregone conclusion, unless you no longer have a tv or are now a Buddhist monk, in which case isn’t Nirvana waiting for you? What the fuck are you doing reading this?). He goes deep, but some of the coincidences are just too much to dismiss.

In a nutshell, if you paid far much more attention to The Godfather movies than I ever did (and I love them, but I’ve only seen them once, really. Someone get me the boxed set, will ya?) then you’ll notice some things. And not just the dude in the Members Only jacket going into the bathroom, then emerging right before your cable didn’t go out, although that is the most obvious one (even my dumb ass picked up on that but thought it was way too obvious). Even that dumbass jacket has significance, according to this guy’s theory. And I have to say, it makes sense. Perfect sense, for the most part.

Why do we love The Sopranos? Besides all the stuff I mentioned before, it was just amazing television. Written tremendously, shot beautifully, characters that were rich and deep like two layers of cannoli flavored cheesecake. Yes, all of those things. But don’t ever forget that there was always more going on than what we saw. The proverbial “little things,” the tidbits that the real hardcore fan and detail obsessed viewer would pick up on, the type of things that you’d point out to your friends when watching and everyone would say “oh shit!” That’s what made this show better than great. That’s what made this show transcendent television, a true happening.

David Chase took over the director’s chair for his series’ finale. Do you think for one second that every little thing wasn’t obsessed over? Do you think that one little “hey did you notice?” from the finale was there by accident? Hell and no. When asked about the finale, Chase said “anyone who wants to watch it, it’s all there.” Well of course it was all there, television is a visual media, but can you see it all? That’s a taller order, for sure. It’s the attention to detail that made this show stand out, and it’s what makes the finale fucking genius and gives it permanent home on my DVR, or at least until a Shannon Tweed movie (pre-botox, please) comes up to record and I need some space.

I think I was too wrapped up in the what that was going on, it being the finale and all, that I didn’t pay attention to the how it was going on. When the credits started rolling I wasn’t sure what to make of it. An hour later I was okay with the ending. Confused, but satisfied. Here, some 2.5 weeks later, I’m loving it, and I can’t see how it could have ended any other way.

For 6.5 seasons a lot of folks thought they were watching a great mob drama. They were right. Some folks took it a step further and said not only is it a great mob drama, but it’s a great family drama, too. They were also right. But there were some who knew that a lot more was going on there than the script had to say. Everything from the scenery, to the soundtrack, to even the episode titles; they all helped tell part of the story. I wasn’t always aware of this while it was happening, I’m man enough to admit it, but we’ve never really seen anything like this on television before, and we probably won’t see anything like this on television again. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to start poring over those old episodes like the Zapruder film.