Postcards from Palestine Vol. 5 - That Dude Must Have the Super AIDS
Friday, August 3rd, 2007*The following is a special feature to Schitthaus.com by Middle East correspondent and all-around sweet dude, the Notorious G.I.P. This thoroughly-researched and completely factual article is the fifth and final installment in what surely will be an award-winning series of educational pieces about his experiences in the Holy Land. (The following report includes absolutely no fabrication or embellishment.)
As-salaam alaykum.
Well, now that I’m over my 24-hour stomach flu (Who knew that you’re not supposed to eat raw meat off the ground?), I’ll bring you up to date on the latest news from the West Bank and beyond.
Before you bad-mouth the U.S. government…
In theory, the PNA Ministry of Foreign Affairs should be the Palestinian government’s official (and professional) face to the outside world. But instead, I find myself yearning for the sterile bureaucracy of the United States. Here’s why:
-The bathrooms here are more likely to conjure the image of a Calcutta bus station than of the U.S. State Department.
-The bodyguard is about 5’6” and wears jeans and a t-shirt to work, while the maintenance man wears a snazzy suit and tie.
-My boss’s office is on the fifth floor, yet his office number is 402.
-The internet hasn’t worked for a week.
But the strangest thing I’ve seen occurred the other day when the dirt lot outside of my office caught on fire. Yes, the dirt caught on fire. Amazing.
Word Skillz
In my time here, I have successfully learned how to say such Arabic phrases as “I need the key to my office” and “I only speak a little bit of Arabic.” Practical, yes, but the statements are neither exciting nor funny. By the time I leave, I will make sure that I find out how to say something much more appropriate like, “Did you see that guy kickin’ them boxes?”
Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs
In Ramallah, when stores try to advertise their products in English, the signs sometimes (read: always) fail to make the transition to English. For example, women get their hair done in “saloons.” Meanwhile, their husbands (everyone over the age of 6 is married) go next door to the shoe store to buy a pair of the latest “Tamperland” boots. In Jerusalem, students can take classes at “Smart College.”
No Shirt, No Shoes, Dice?
I spent this past weekend in Northern Israel on a trip that included a night at a beachfront hostel on the Mediterranean Sea owned by This crazy asshole. Here’s another picture for your viewing pleasure. Late night on Friday we needed to make a beer run (er, half-mile walk) to the local gas station. My attire was as follows:
-A bathing suit
-An open bottle of beer
Somebody tell Spicoli that I’ve found the greatest spot on Earth. But don’t tell Sean Penn because that guy sucks.
Fact of the Day
Having sex with more than one woman in your lifetime causes AIDS. (Today’s fact was generously provided an employee of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs.)
I’m out.
