Schitthaus.com

A couple odds and ends from around the Intarwebz for you.

Deadspin is having their second annual Deadspin Hall of Fame nominations. They’re announcing candidates every day, but my must-win candidate is up for a spot. Who is this guy? A’mod Ned of Florida International University. You can just call him Ned, though. But why is Ned hall of fame worthy? Because during the brawl between Miami and Florida International last year dude came out on crutches. That is what you call “having your teammates’ back.” He’s actually become quite a folk hero, spawning numerous (semi-poor) photoshops and fierce campaigning replete with a video. Click and vote or Ned is going to crutch all the way up from Miami and beat you with his crutches.

Stumbled across a new site called FilmDrunk.com (through WithLeather.com). Pretty cool movie site. Saw some new trailers (Jack Black and Mos Def in a Michel Gondry movie… I’ll fox with it.) It’s kind of like MoviePoopShoot.com. Not really, I guess. Who am I kidding, I just wanted to type MoviePoopShoot.com. It’s definitely worth checking out for movie updates (as well as nude Jessica Biel in movie updates, infinitely more important).

He also mentions that Grindhouse is going to be split into two dvd’s with, get this NO FUCKING TRAILERS!!!!!!! Are you kidding me? No Machete? No Thanksgiving? Eat a dick, Weinsteins. Fuck you in the asshole til it’s purple donkey asshole. Needless to say, if you didn’t get to see this in the theaters you will not get the full awesome experience and you will be extra bummed. There may be a “deluxe set” released later on. Maybe if we bitch loud enough they’ll do it from the get go. Gets to bitchin! I can’t tell you how mad this made me.

Speaking of movies Superbad was Super Fucking Awesome. I’ve already said too much. Go see it. It’s truly a vagtastic voyage. I’m probably going to watch it again this weekend.

There’s a second installment of Cautionary Tales of Swords, and it’s funnier than the first. In case you didn’t know, swords will cut your fucking throat wide open. That’s the truth.

Thanks to Andy, for allowing me to regress into Nerdery (the state, not the place of employment. They’ve closed down.)I just got to thinking about this and wanted to post it. Unless you’re Gip, I don’t know for sure if you’ve seen the Aqua Teen movie, but here’s the best part. And it’s completely not related to the plot. You’re welcome. Have you seen the DVD for this thing? Two disc, deluxe 80 minute deleted movie on disc 2. I guess I have to buy it. Read along while they sing, and crank it up!

The quality kind of sucks, so you may just want to wait for the DVD after all. But I may have just saved you some money.

That’s about all from me. Just getting ready for football, the wedding, the honeymoon, and, most importantly, the bachelor party. If any of you knows where we can rent a donkey for the evening, holla at your boy.

Oh, you can now contact the site at josh-at-schitthaus-dot-com. Feel free to e-mail for cheers, jeers, advice, or lusty gruntings. Your correspondence may be included for a new feature. I know, awfully enticing…

*The following is a special feature to Schitthaus.com by Middle East correspondent and all-around sweet dude, the Notorious G.I.P. This thoroughly researched and completely factual article is the fourth installment in what will be a series of educational pieces about his experiences in the Holy Land. (The following report includes absolutely no fabrication or embellishment.)

Greetings once again from Ramallah.

After quite a long day today, I am sitting in my bed enjoying a nice, cool glass of “Multi-vitamin Nectar” (I love this place). As I am writing this, my neighbors are firing celebratory AK-47 rounds in the air and I’m hoping they’ll land somewhere other than here (the rounds, not the neighbors). OK, without further ado, here’s the latest news:

It’s no Insult Master

I played an interesting video game today on a friend’s TV while waiting for the washing machine to break again. It was the familiar game where the player attempts to bounce a “ball” off of his moving “paddle” to destroy “bricks,” thereby earning “points” in hopes of impressing “girls.” In this version, however, an extra feature has been included: A pile of shit floats around taking smaller shits all over the bricks. I am serious. The big shit even closes its eyes each time it takes a dump. It was mad gross. I even took a picture because, yes, I am coordinated enough to simultaneously rule at video games AND take award-winning photographs.

All Jamal
As I mentioned in a previous report, there is a plethora of satellite television channels pumped into my apartment daily. I was flipping through the standard Arabic pop music and conservative Islamic phone-in shows when I spotted the channel that has single-handedly reversed my hatred of the television: The camel channel. It’s all camels, all day long. I’m not kidding. The camels just stand around, and occasionally, a man dressed in a robe and a keffiyeh walks up to them, gestures, and speaks a few words. From what I can decipher (using my dynamite Arabic skills), he typically says something like this, “This is a camel. I like camels.” Or sometimes he just stands there. That’s it.

Delicious!
I thought you would like to know that I have a new favorite beer, which is brewed right here in the West Bank by real West Bankers (Wankers, for short). The name? Taybeh. Is it the best-tasting beer in the world? Maybe not, but it’s pretty decent, plus it has this guy going for it, which is nice. If you’re still not convinced, read the following excerpt, taken word-for-word (or non-word, as the case may be) from the official Taybeh website:

“For peak flavor, store all beer away from heat and light . Heat, light, and age, are theenemies of all beer. Store in a cool dark place,and the use of a brown bottle will protect the beer from light Green bottle will protect the beer from light. Green bottles offer protection from light, as one minute of direct light can turn beer in a green bottle shunky in aroma and taste. Beer should be fresh, unlike wine, it deteriorates as soon as it is bottled. Most imported beer contains adjuncts and\or preservatives to preserve them for long ocean shipping. TAYBEH BEER is completely pure.”

You know, I could see myself staying here to launch a PR campaign against “shunky” beer (and maybe doing some freelancing as an editor).

Fan Mail

Normally, I receive entirely too much fan mail to read, but today I decided that I would open a few letters and share one of the many questions asked of me with you, the faithful Schitthaus.com readers. So, here it goes…

Krystal from Ranson, WV asks:

“i know you is cool & tough, but has you done been in any danjer over thur?”

The answer, Krystal, is no, although, the other night I did have a close call. It was about 2 o’clock in the A.M. and some of my associates and I were just leaving one of the popular social establishments in downtown Ramallah. As we stood outside, an acquaintance of ours generously offered to drive us back to our apartment. “Sounds good,” I said. But once we hopped in the back of his silver BMW, it was obvious that things were not right. Just then, the driver opened all of the windows, reached his hand toward the dashboard, and…began blasting some Michael Bolton ballads. We were so scared that we all made falafel in our trousers.

So let that be a lesson, kids (what the lesson is, I don’t know).

See you next time.
Love,

Gip (who ain’t no no-talent ass clown)

The Notorious G.I.P. and I took in the new Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theaters yesterday. After watching it I just had to see what people were saying about it online. The reviews are varied, just as expected.

Look, I’m a big ATHF fan. I was excited to see the movie, but I remained reserved. How are you going to take a joke that can sometimes fall flat over 12 minutes and stretch it into a feature length film? This movie was exactly what I thought it was going to be. I laughed a lot. I sat there thinking “whoa, that’s quite a tangent” a bit, as well.

I’m not going to mention anything about the “plot.” because that would be a Herculean feat to even wrangle all the ideas and happenings to boil it down to a plot. I’m not even going to reference any of the jokes, outside of the post title, of course. What, did you think I really liked your booty? Well, I probably do, but don’t tell everyone about it.

There was inspired hilarity by the quart, and randomness by the gallon. If you’re a fan, which I know most people reading this are, then you’ll enjoy it. If you’re not you’ll probably scratch your head thinking “what the fuck just happened,” to which fans will laugh even harder because nothing’s more fun than freaking out the squares. You’ll see most of the characters you love (though no Oog) and we could’ve used more Carl, even though he’s central to the plot. And you’ll get to spend more time with Dr. Weird.

Okay, I’ve said plenty about the movie. It’s definitely worth going to see if you’re a fan. I would not recommend it as a date movie, unless you have THE coolest date ever. Then again, some of the females that I saw enjoying the film would NOT qualify as the coolest date ever. Unless you like hot pink Manic Panic and Cheez Whiz, not necessarily in that order. Don’t expect greatness, but do expect a good time and the ability to watch Aqua Teens in public with a pile of people that will not get it. And don’t bring your kids. Seriously. There were some real young’ns behind us that had 1) No business being there and 2) No clue what was going on. Hell, I’m a dirtbag and I wouldn’t bring any kids to that movie. Unless I got them drunk first.