Things I Saw Over the Weekend
I think I had an eventful stuff watching weekend, but nothing warranting a whole review. Looks like you’re getting a post dump. I’ll light a match on my way out.
The Happening
Yeah, I had enough to drink on Friday to agree to watch The Happening, M. Night Shamalamadingdong’s latest movie. Boy, I was so ready to muster up two-four pages of outright ass-rippery on this one, but it was so bad I didn’t even feel like it. Seriously. Let’s just run down the laundry list: dumb acting, dumb lines, way dumb premise. SPOILER ALERT: The fucking plants are killing everyone because we’re assholes. Yes, that’s right. The plants are killing us by releasing some poison in the atmosphere. There is absolutely no tension. Shit happens, people kind of react to it (as much as a plank of wood would react to something that wasn’t fire), the next thing happens, repeat. There’s no point where your protagonist, who isn’t really all that sympathetic because he’s a dipshit, seems like he’s in real danger, and if he were you’d probably be glad. Don’t go see this movie. Don’t even waste your money on renting the dvd. I’m not kidding. You guys know I love bad movies, but this isn’t just bad. It’s awful. But it does feature the funniest “What the fuck?” line from a movie I’ve seen in forever, the crusty old lady that yells “Why you eyein’ my lemon drink?”
The Onion Movie
This is a dvd-only release from the people at The Onion, pretty much one of the greatest things ever. My expectations were low, so I was pleasantly surprised to see what is basically a Kentucky Fried Movie for the 21st century. Add it to your queue and see Steven Seagal as COCKPUNCHER
Tiger Motherfucking Woods
Allow me to get a little sporty on you and say Tiger-Tiger-Tiger Woods, ya’ll. He kept me glued to the screen for two straight days mixing human vulnerability and superhuman skills. I’ve always been a Tiger fan, but this weekend just added to the legend. Check this out to see what I’m talking about. The quality isn’t great, but you’ll get the point. Hail to the king, baby.
The Savages
I guess this was a good movie and all. I imagine if I were twenty years older it would probably be better. The acting was good. I don’t know, it’s got Philip Seymour Hoffman in it, if that’s something you might be interested in. Oh, and Chris Partlow from The Wire. And an old guy smearing poop on a wall. That’s about all I have to say about that.
So that’s about it, I suppose. The new Rambo came in on the Netflix today, so I’ll definitely write that up since it’s what inspired me to start reviewing movies again. Fucking awesome.