Schitthaus.com

A couple odds and ends from around the Intarwebz for you.

Deadspin is having their second annual Deadspin Hall of Fame nominations. They’re announcing candidates every day, but my must-win candidate is up for a spot. Who is this guy? A’mod Ned of Florida International University. You can just call him Ned, though. But why is Ned hall of fame worthy? Because during the brawl between Miami and Florida International last year dude came out on crutches. That is what you call “having your teammates’ back.” He’s actually become quite a folk hero, spawning numerous (semi-poor) photoshops and fierce campaigning replete with a video. Click and vote or Ned is going to crutch all the way up from Miami and beat you with his crutches.

Stumbled across a new site called FilmDrunk.com (through WithLeather.com). Pretty cool movie site. Saw some new trailers (Jack Black and Mos Def in a Michel Gondry movie… I’ll fox with it.) It’s kind of like MoviePoopShoot.com. Not really, I guess. Who am I kidding, I just wanted to type MoviePoopShoot.com. It’s definitely worth checking out for movie updates (as well as nude Jessica Biel in movie updates, infinitely more important).

He also mentions that Grindhouse is going to be split into two dvd’s with, get this NO FUCKING TRAILERS!!!!!!! Are you kidding me? No Machete? No Thanksgiving? Eat a dick, Weinsteins. Fuck you in the asshole til it’s purple donkey asshole. Needless to say, if you didn’t get to see this in the theaters you will not get the full awesome experience and you will be extra bummed. There may be a “deluxe set” released later on. Maybe if we bitch loud enough they’ll do it from the get go. Gets to bitchin! I can’t tell you how mad this made me.

Speaking of movies Superbad was Super Fucking Awesome. I’ve already said too much. Go see it. It’s truly a vagtastic voyage. I’m probably going to watch it again this weekend.

There’s a second installment of Cautionary Tales of Swords, and it’s funnier than the first. In case you didn’t know, swords will cut your fucking throat wide open. That’s the truth.

Thanks to Andy, for allowing me to regress into Nerdery (the state, not the place of employment. They’ve closed down.)I just got to thinking about this and wanted to post it. Unless you’re Gip, I don’t know for sure if you’ve seen the Aqua Teen movie, but here’s the best part. And it’s completely not related to the plot. You’re welcome. Have you seen the DVD for this thing? Two disc, deluxe 80 minute deleted movie on disc 2. I guess I have to buy it. Read along while they sing, and crank it up!

The quality kind of sucks, so you may just want to wait for the DVD after all. But I may have just saved you some money.

That’s about all from me. Just getting ready for football, the wedding, the honeymoon, and, most importantly, the bachelor party. If any of you knows where we can rent a donkey for the evening, holla at your boy.

Oh, you can now contact the site at josh-at-schitthaus-dot-com. Feel free to e-mail for cheers, jeers, advice, or lusty gruntings. Your correspondence may be included for a new feature. I know, awfully enticing…

With a little thanks to eBay, and my inability to throw anything away, it is time to relive the glory days.

That’s right, bitches. I’ve got the N64 up and running. Goldeneye is fully operational. And Ourumov is still VERY angry. So, who’s up for a little partay/Goldeneye proximity mine curse fest? Anyone? I think I’ll bring it along for the bachelor party. Have to find something to do before the entertainment arrives, right? Goldeneye on a monstrous tv would probably be funner than a monkey with five dicks.

That is all for now.

Whatever the fuck THAT means!

It’s Friday, and I’m finishing up my first week back to work post-vacation. Before I recount all the fascinating details, I’d like to examine the concept of vacation. First, a definition:

1. a period of suspension of work, study, or other activity, usually used for rest, recreation, or travel; recess or holiday: Schoolchildren are on vacation now.
2. a part of the year, regularly set aside, when normal activities of law courts, legislatures, etc., are suspended.
3. freedom or release from duty, business, or activity.
4. an act or instance of vacating.

Remember summer vacation as a student? Man, that shit was the Truth. Three months to do whatever you liked, enough time that it was possible to be bored with it. Once you become a working stiff, you relish any time you can get. Eurotrash bishes get about three months even after school is over. I’m jealous, but if I have to look like that, I’ll manage. I’ve worked the same job long enough to have two weeks to my disposal, and I use one of those during the holidays and one during the summer. I look forward to that week off for months leading up to it, then the week passes by too quickly, then I’m stuck back at my desk avoiding work.

My summer vacation spot of choice since about 1998 or so has been the Outer Banks, specifically the areas of Duck or Corolla. It used to be a trip I’d take with friends from school, but lately it’s been a family affair. The one thing that has remained constant is the alcoholism. Breakfast used to be a top shelf Marg (1800 and G.M. with a splash of lime juice) at around 2 PM. That was before the young’uns were involved. Why must kids wake up at 7:30? Because they don’t work, so they don’t know how much sleep they’re missing. Bastards. I may not have been up for the fresh food, but I was still awake before noon on most of the days. Breakfast now means a reheated homemade sausage biscuit, mug of coffee, and some fruit juice. Most of my time was spent in the pool, and I’ve come to realize what a glorious concept the “Adult Swim” is. I hated it when I was wee, but LOVE it now! No need to bore you, so I’ll hit the high notes:

1.The Duck Deli is the shit. It’s blown up (along with the whole urrea) so you have to go at an off time. Get a plate of smoked chicken wings while you wait for a pulled pork sandwich. Wash it down with a Sweet Tea. I’ve had at least one meal there every single time I’m down there. If I had my way, it would be my every day lunch spot.

2. Meridian 42. I’d like to tell you this place is good. Tried to get in for dinner at 6:15 on a Thursday with no reservations. We were told they might could squeeze us in around 9:30. Bitches. Check the menu, you’ll want to eat there real bad. I know I sure did. Next time I won’t screw around. Rather than hop from place to place we ended up at:

3. The Black Pelican. Don’t mind the website, it’s cheesy and the menu doesn’t include their new stuff. I’ve been here almost as many times as the Duck Deli. Good seafood, reasonable prices, and they have wood-fired pizzas if you can’t make up your mind. Heidi and I had the Tuna Tatake appetizer (Marinated Gulfstream tuna with a flying fish roe, served on seaweed salad, with Japanese soy and wasabi on the side). I hope you weren’t thinking this was a seared dish, cause that shit is served raw. Damn tasty. I decided to be daring with my entree and try something new. So new you won’t see it on their website. Shrimp sauteed with peppers and onions in a Tabasco-butter sauce served on a mound of jalapeno-cheddar grits. I wasn’t Gung-Ho about it until I took my first bite. Highly recommended, even if you’re not the biggest fan of grits.

3. One of my duties in the house is to assist with the cooking whenever possible/asked. Last year we made the discovery of Tommy’s Steak Seasoning. I don’t know who Tommy is, but he’s got a market conveniently located across the street from the aforementioned Duck Deli. It’s a gourmet market so they have lots of neat sauces, salsas, marinades and seasonings. They also have “gourmet market” prices. For all the rich arrogant holier-than-thou fucks down there it’s no problem. For the regular folks, be choosy about what you buy. That steak seasoning is expensive, but it’s worth it. We had enough to rub down about 12 big steaks with plenty left over to bring home. It’s very close to Chicago Steak seasoning (99 cents when your local CVS has it), but I think Tommy puts in a secret ingredient. Actually, I think I just figured out Tommy’s true identity. Maybe he has something to do with the Hamlette from my first post.

4. You’re probably thinking I should’ve gotten a shirt like this to commemorate my trip. Close, but I have two things to mention not directly involving food or alcohol. First, I got a new kite. I already had two (3 if you count the butsed one) but stunt kites aren’t “set it and forget it.” I wanted something mindless and fairly cheap. Enter the parafoil. Just call me Max.

5. Next, I give you a cornhole. Now, I give you Cornhole . This is the best backyard game since horseshoes because it’s so similar, yet you can actually score points without any divine intervention. For official rules, regulations, and other assorted goodies, check out the official page.

6. Finally, if it’s wet outside Cornhole is out. We faced this situation at the beach and had to improvise. It started out as the good ol’ game Caps but it quickly turned into a brainstorming session. Take two red plastic party cups, tape them on opposite edges of a long smooth glass top table. Tape two straws vertically to simulate goalposts. Two on two, teammates sit together, each player gets one shot. Slide the cap flat side down much like you would a paper football. Try to slide it off the edge and into the cup. One point if you sink it. If you shoot second and happen to knock your teammate’s cap in, that’s two points. If you shoot second and get both yours and your teammate’s cap in… well, figure out your own bonus cause it never happened for us. Here’s a picture from one end of the table to get an idea. It’s a work in progress, but it kept us occupied. Comments and suggestions are always welcome.

So that’s what the fuck has been goings on. Summer is almost over, wedding season is about to start. Bring on the open bar!!

Yeah, yeah. I know, I’ve been slacking. I blew my proverbial post wad. Cooking up some other stuff, but wedding and honeymoon plans are taking over. But I had to pass this along. HT to Sussman at Deadspin for posting it over the weekend.

Bear with me. The gears are turning.

*The following is a special feature to Schitthaus.com by Middle East correspondent and all-around sweet dude, the Notorious G.I.P. This thoroughly-researched and completely factual article is the fifth and final installment in what surely will be an award-winning series of educational pieces about his experiences in the Holy Land. (The following report includes absolutely no fabrication or embellishment.)

As-salaam alaykum.

Well, now that I’m over my 24-hour stomach flu (Who knew that you’re not supposed to eat raw meat off the ground?), I’ll bring you up to date on the latest news from the West Bank and beyond.

Before you bad-mouth the U.S. government…

In theory, the PNA Ministry of Foreign Affairs should be the Palestinian government’s official (and professional) face to the outside world. But instead, I find myself yearning for the sterile bureaucracy of the United States. Here’s why:

-The bathrooms here are more likely to conjure the image of a Calcutta bus station than of the U.S. State Department.

-The bodyguard is about 5’6” and wears jeans and a t-shirt to work, while the maintenance man wears a snazzy suit and tie.

-My boss’s office is on the fifth floor, yet his office number is 402.

-The internet hasn’t worked for a week.

But the strangest thing I’ve seen occurred the other day when the dirt lot outside of my office caught on fire. Yes, the dirt caught on fire. Amazing.

Word Skillz

In my time here, I have successfully learned how to say such Arabic phrases as “I need the key to my office” and “I only speak a little bit of Arabic.” Practical, yes, but the statements are neither exciting nor funny. By the time I leave, I will make sure that I find out how to say something much more appropriate like, “Did you see that guy kickin’ them boxes?”