Schitthaus.com

Oh, hey baby… Did I wake you up? Oh no, go back to sleep. No, I would’ve been here earlier but I just got tied up… See, there’s this stuff going on with work and I’ve been at the gym. Of course I missed you! Yes, of course I wanted to be here. But I’m here now! Come on! Just roll over and go back to sleep. This will be over before you know it…

Crap. I typed that in the wrong window. Or is it just a metaphor for the prolonged neglect of my pet project here? Either way, I’m sportin’ wood. Kind of been a slow week, but there are a couple of things I wanted to note before we kick this weekend off.

Had the day off on Wednesday, so I decided to do a little grocery shopping. Every where I went this same bitch was in front of me holding my shit up. Has this ever happened to you? In my way at the produce section, in my way at the meat case, in my way at the bread aisle. I swear this bitch was stalking me! Needless to say, I wanted to walk just as slowly behind her and hit her in the back of the heels with my cart repeatedly. But I guess I’m just too sweet of a dude. However, if I see this broad crossing the street and I’m coming through, I may not hit the brakes. That’s all I’m saying. Am I a bitch magnet, or what?

I had a load of stuff written down that I wanted to post about, but I left it at work. To paraphrase, it probably went something like this: fuck, fuck, fucking fuck. Repeat.

There was one thing I wanted to bring to your attention. I know most of you aren’t sports fans, but this is something that really has to be seen to be believed. I was watching tv with best cousin Seth and we happened to flip this game on just as this was happening. I’ve never seen such an unbelievable finish to a basketball game. Granted, it was to win the Division II championship, which is kinda like saying you won first place in the knot-tying competition at Boy Scout camp, but this was pretty awesome to watch.

I’ll be back when I remember what the hell I was thinking about. First day of trout tomorrow. Woo!

Speaking of Pitchfork, this was something I wanted to add to my last post. Apparently Isaac Brock, of Modest Mouse is a cutter. And pretty fucked up. At a recent show in Sioux City, Iowa dude apparently grabbed a small knife and cut at his chest. Well alrighty then… The link will go to the story, as well as a couple of links to some videos, one supposedly before, and another after where you can see the bloody spots on his shirt.

Suffice to say, that’s the behavior of a nutter. Look, we’ve all been bombed a couple of times. Maybe jumped in some bushes. Maybe even made your own specific pants for bush jumping. Maybe rode around in shopping carts naked. But cutting one’s self? That is Bilo.

If you pay attention to the Pitchfork story they mention the “Float On” thing from American Idol. I told you guys that was fucked up! I’m surprised he didn’t eat a glass tumbler on stage.

Just thought that was something you’d like to know. Whoa! Check out this fucking guy! He’s named after the Maryland compulsory auto insurance fund! I bet he’d play the pig roast for free.

Going out fishing for the first time tomorrow. Ah, Spring… Feck off now.

well , here it is , the first episode of “The.Hashish.Our.”

I’m too tired of looking at this computer to say much else , this coding/design stuff is kicking my arse.

I did have a good weekend , did some “catching up” , had some brunch and got new kicks. all is good. super springtime weather on Sunday. Lovin it! got to bomb some hills in brunswick , er , Hampden. found a cool little spot around the corner from my casa to session , also. good times. Tommy Jones knows what I’m talking about.

So , this morning I had to drop off a disk in “the bad part of town” and was privileged enough to be about five feet from my first HIGH-SPEED PURSUIT! I love this place more every single day. I could’ve spit on this ghetto bastard’s windshield or any of the twelve cop cars that went roaring by , visions of worlds scariest police chase danced thru my head as they approached. now mind you , I was on top of a hill and they were on top of the next hill , so I got to literally watch it all happen! approach , fly-by , and exit. I dont know the end result but on my return there were several donut-eaters combing around under the bridge a mile up the road. The city has also hit one out of the park with the murders so far this year , already crushing last years by six. and we’ve still got seven months to go! note to self , dont stop at redlights on north ave.

oh , and the senate passed the maryland smoking ban today , looks like the House of Delegates is going to buck but only on whether to allow it in “private clubs” ya-fuggen-ho. I hate smelling like an asstray , I quit smoking for a reason.

ok , thats really all. and Pitchfork rules. there , thats really , really all.

good day , sir.

What it is, bitchez? It’s been a while, mainly due to my hunter safety class.

What’s that you say? Hunter safety class? Yeah, I took it. I’m a bit of an outdoorsman, don’t you know. Funny story, actually…

I’m not going to get into whether or not hunting is right (it is, for population control. If only we could do the same for people…), or if I think people should own assault rifles (no, I don’t… You don’t need a fully automatic weapon for anything other than killing people), but I like eating the game my cousins kill, so I figure, why not. I’ll try this for myself and not be some sucka leech, though they’ll tell you they don’t mind.

To be a licensed hunter in MD you need to pass a hunter safety course, and this is its story. I thought to myself “Self, fuck it. Get this thing over with,” so I signed up for the earliest possible class, one that happened to be taught in Downsville. Most of you probably don’t know Downsville, but if you did it would have made you chuckle. You could meet this lady in Downsville. ‘Nuff said. Needless to say it was very evident that I was not “one of them.” Oh, and did I mention that Rudy and I (I’m the one winning) were the oldest people in that class by about 15 years? Yeah, pretty sweet.

The three night course was full of propaganda. Lots of NRA shit and tree-hugging references. Oh, and “that party that just got elected wants to take away your guns.” That was fun. But the most shocking part of the whole experience was the age of most of these kids. There was a kid who wasn’t a day older than five. FIVE! And there was a girl who may or may not have been a little on the retarded side.

The last night we have our test, and the younger kids can have an adult “read” for them in case they don’t understand the question. Look, if you don’t understand the question, I don’t want you holding a gun in the same woods as me. So we finished the “exam” in about 12 minutes, aced that shit, then rolled across the street to get two quarts of Old Milwaukee to chug while we waited for the booger eaters to finish their tests. When we go back in the room there’s a girl who’s dad is literally over her shoulder telling her the answers! Everyone passed. It was a feel good moment.

Again, say what you will about the process of hunting and those that participate in it, but for fuck’s sake, this safety course was a joke. I learned a lot of good things, but you can’t tell me that the five year old with the finger jammed way up his nose during the review remembers a lick of what we did. Nor can you tell me the girl who thought an elephant was a non-game animal (it is) and said she only said it because it’s her favorite animal. Do you think either of these kids have the mental wherewithall to be turned loose in the woods? I’m under the assumption that these kids will be hunting with their parents, but you won’t see me hunting on Washington County public land pretty much ever. Scary shit, indeed…

So what else is new… My favorite whipping boy Josh McRoberts is declaring for the draft after his sophomore season at Duke. Oh yeah, good luck with that one. Your coaches won’t be there to dry the tears in the NBA. And Ron Artest may chew off your face in the shower Hannibal Lecter style. Here’s hoping he goes to the Kings! And not to worry, Duke haters, Greg Paulus is sticking around.

My new t-shirt came in today. Here’s the story behind it. And don’t click the link on the page with this link, the URL’s been sold and it isn’t anything about Mutombo.

That’s pretty much it. Time to battle this headache and the accompanying nausea for day 10.

Welp. Today is certainly a Sunday , and I like it. Finally went to see 300 today at The Senator ( read:HUGE SCREEN! ) kick arse ! beautifully shot ! lighting made me drool constantly. duotones , hi-con , cross-processed goodness. most of my favorite forms of photographic manipulation. and if you’re not a total photard than allow me to return to the regularly scheduled program. if you are , well , good for you. me too.

and is it me or does this doll just fuggen creep you out ?

Now , on to Saturday…

I think Saturday night is a bit of an anomaly in itself , the whole crowd thing , the masses , all the sheople gathering around the feeders. not me. not us! Much as I love the city, I may be joining my brother Erick who is banning Saturday night as a recreational “going-out” night. Add St. Fucko’s day into the mix and the whole thing spins out of control. in a bad way…thats not to say I wont frequent a few “select establishments” on Saturday , its just to say that I refuse to plan around it. I’m more of a “Thursday Night Guy” anyway. I prefer to avoid the suits and db’s much as possible and I think the weeknight thing pushes things my way a bit. so , if you’re not in the rat-race I invite you to join me sometime.

Now , thats not to say I didnt go out last night and have a blast , its just that we shouldnt have left Hampden. first place we went was hopin and it was some guy named Mike Garris’s birthday , now anyone who leads a bluegrass band in a cover of Secret Agent Man is alright by me. this was made even cooler by somehow making a lounge song more loungier , in bluegrass form. some had to pay a cover to get into a dig this cool , some knew the right people.

now , my main reason for going was to shoot some photos of a recently discovered band that goes by “The Names“. complete with a tale to go along with the grouping , these cats are some of the nicest people I’ve met in Baltimore yet. I’m really into what they’re doing and they rocked the crowd. ( as much as a banjo and washboard can rokk a crowd ) Dude even plays a kazoo. whoa ! I didnt know it was that kind of party…but it was and they pulled it off well , nervous as they looked they did a great job and played very well. I love most anything that labels itself minimal and folk so they pretty much had me on those details alone.

couple of photos below.

I think that pretty much sums it up , started the redesign on the site and managed to run thru about eighteen revisions already. love it. think 70’s jazz cover art at its finest.

also picked up a new rug this weekend.

and I still do not find the taste of beer pleasurable but for the good of the film , I will march on and attempt to drink this fowl tasting stuff on a regular basis.

now , feck off.

Got off work early thanks to the weather. Fuck a weather. Decided not to waste the extra hour and a half the man gave me and take in a matinee of 300, if only to keep myself a virgin to the taste of Joe’s mincing, salty balls. I know I said I was holding out for the IMAX release, well wouldn’t you know the douchers in our area aren’t showing it due to it’s R-uh rating. Ain’t that about a bitch? Hey, Smithsonian, it’s a HISTORY movie (sorta). This is the story of a very important battle (with boobies and much, much dismemeberment interspersed)! Closest IMAX theaters showing it? Shittsburgh, Philthadelphia, and New York. So, if you live near a good urban area (or Pittsburgh), do yourself a favor and go see that shit. This movie is a bad mother—shut your mouth! I can only imagine that the IMAX version would rock your ass right off.

I’m not going to chat it up too much, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. Even though there was a full dip cup a couple of seats down from me. Hagerstown is totally great… And I had a pee pee the likes of which I haven’t seen since The Departed rip me from a scene with copious gratuitous boobie shots.

I do have to say though, that Xerxes guy creeped me the fuck out. He is what I imagine will be pounding you in the ass on the daily if you go to Hell. I mean, look at this shit, is this motherfucker not straight out of a Tool video or what?

So thank you, weather, for leaving me housebound for another weekend, but you didn’t keep me from watching a bad ass motherfucking film.

Is anyone else’s brackets busted like a 12 year old Thai hooker? Me neither, I’m still hanging tight. And Duke lost! Much rejoicing on my part. In honor of which, I have this video of Josh McRoberts, Duke “stud” forward who is a punk ass bitch. He plays like a stiff, flops like a Frenchman in the World Cup, and cries like Dick Vermeil. Show some love, bitches. Apparently someone else is feeling it, too.

Off to shovel the snow. Thanks again, douchebag storm front.

just a quick , one , two.

well , as we were traveling to location (read : nice restaurant) today my boss mentioned that we have some Mossberg stuff coming up. great , go on…well , it turns out that we get to do some location stuff for these gun-wielding american terrorists! oh , the joy.
So , on one occasion the jefe drove to middle-of-nowhere PA and found himself standing around a pond with a bunch of TV watchers holding shotguns , no further instructions other than ” get ready” get ready ? for what , war ?! oh , no , get ready to shoot some photos of us shooting ducks out of a barrel , quite literally. they wanted shots of all these bumpkins shooting caged birds being released at their feet ! now , factor in that my boss is a an animal lover and owns five birds of his own. shake. pour. now thats funny. and scary.

so , anyway , other stories included going out into the “wild” to photograph live , well fed , Wild Boar. when told they couldn’t get any closer he proceeded to wave caution to the wind and approach this animal. all the way until he could touch it. it was asleep ! ASLEEP !!!

good huntin right thur. did I mention that the animals come up to the food cart (read : tractor full of meat) and eat lunch with the “visitors.” HOLY FUCK ! is this real life Wil E Coyote ???

lets all hope I pack a lunch (camera) and snap some behind the scenes footie.

the other note worth mentioning is the work of a photographer that recently blew me away , he does what I want to do and well. very well. George Lange shoots everyone from Thai kids , to latex glove makes to uma thurman and clive owen. all with the same intensity and celebration of the persons soul. I love his work. love it.

hey , is that another wild boar ? oh , damn , just a lion.

take a look at this and tell me it didnt change your life. I dare you.

thank you for inspiring me today.

peas , yutches.

You and me Fryguy… BLOW THE LID OFF THE JOINT!!!!

This will be a quick one otherwise I’ll totally forget.

A co-worker of mine was trying to give me shit with the whole “Tsk, tsk,” complete with the shaking of the head. He kept up with the shaking, and eventually the motion combined with the noise made him look like a human lawn sprinkler. I told him this, we both had a laugh, and then I remember the worst incarnation of a lawn sprinkler I’ve ever seen.

Everyone out there has probably seen a highlight or two of a stupid touchdown celebration, and Darrell Jackson is responsible for one of the worst. He called it the Lawn Sprinkler, appropriately enough. I wish words could describe this train wreck, but I knew for a fact that they couldn’t. Enter YouTube.

As soon as I pulled up the site and began thinking of search terms that would give me what I was looking for I quickly remembered that the NFL actually has employees looking for NFL footage and having it removed from the site. This is the ONLY professional sport that I know of that does this crap.

My search for Darrell Jackson came up with no results that included NFL footage. The first result was a vidcap of someone playing a game and recording some “BEST Rec TD” (amazing how many people post fucking video game footage on here). The second was a backyard football stunt of some kid catching a ball and getting dropped by one of his friends. Marginally entertaining.

The whole point behind this post is what came up afterwards. Following each movie on YouTube some links come up. I guess the links they select are random. I HOPE they’re random. I don’t want to know how footage of some backyard football pop could lead a viewer to this.

All shapes and sizes. Literally.

At last, it is here, sequenced and ready to rock. Just for you. The first Schitthaus.com iMix. To get this iMix in this manner you must have iTunes. If not, you can download it like I do because I’m cheap. Also, iTunes did not have a song on there, so you’ll want to consult the following list:

1. The Like - Too Late - Chick band, but there’s something I like about this song.
2. Devo - Mongoloid - This goes out to my retarded brother Bilo. Because one day, he will get.
3. Mike Watt feat. Evan Dando - Piss Bottle Man - That’s what P**s means on iTunes. Don’t tell your parents. And a little Evan Dando for the ladies. You’re welcome, Kali and Courtney.
4. Television Personalities - Geoffrey Ingram - Quirky, English, and good.
5. Modest Mouse - Polar Opposites - My favorite Modest Mouse song, I’m pretty sure.
6. Dinosaur Jr. - Start Choppin’ - Not my favorite Dinosaur Jr. song, but up there.
7. The Rifles - Local Boy - This is the one they don’t have on iTunes, so you’re going to have to get it through alternative means.
8. Black Keys - Modern Times - And you thought you were going to get away with no Black Keys songs? P’shaw.
9. Dirtbombs - Underdog - Actually a Sly and the Family Stone cover. I just learned that today.
10. Deadly Snakes - Closed Casket - Nothing clever to say here. Kinda Dylanesque lyrics. How does that sound?
11. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - Heavy Metal - A lot has been said about these guys, but this song rocks.
12. Apples In Stereo - 7 Stars - What if I were to tell you that this is off of their brand new album? Is that something you might be interested in?
13. TV On The Radio - Playhouses - Who knew these guys could be so fun? Besides their masseuse?
14. Maximo Park - I Want You to Stay - I’m a bit of a pedo anglophile, and these guys are right up my alley.
15. Arcade Fire - Neighborhood #2 (Laika) - I hate this song. No, I don’t.
16. The Evens - Cut from the Cloth - It’s long, but I really like it. And I had to go with something off of the new album. D.C. represent.
17. Reigning Sound - Funny Thing - This has made a mix a long time ago, but only 20% of you have heard it (assuming our readership is up to 10), so I thought I’d throw it on.
18. Wilco - At Least That’s What You Said

I thought of doing iMixes as a way to kind of share music without making everyone cd’s. You can hear what I’m listening to (and I you, so get on it) and download it directly from iTunes, if you’re a baller.

In other news, if you watch American Idol (and I don’t, I swear), they had one of those totally gay commercials where the whole cast is singing. They did “Float On” by Modest Mouse. Seriously… I think I just threw up in my mouth.

Oh, and I said I was going to talk about the NCAA Tournament. This is my favorite sports time of the year, made even better by the fact that the Terps are in it and should be competitive. I’m thinking Florida, Kansas, Georgetown and Texas A&M in the Final Four. That’s all I got.

It’s cobbler time. Huh? Cobbler? Who still needs a cobbler? His “office” looks a hell of a lot like my “office.” The cobbling profession has become decidedly less popular these days. How else are we going to keep all those 4 year olds in Indonesia gainfully employed if we simply repair our old shoes?

No, the cobbler of which I speak is much sweeter. I’m talkin so sweet you could eat it up with a spoon. Wait, what? Wrong pic? No worries, that’s just my dad. Back on track though, and along the same vein as the Truthiness mentioned just yesterday by King Schitt of Fart Mountain, is one of the other new flavors B&J has released in its latest assault on the ever-expanding asses in our fine country.

The easiest way to get my attention in the frozen foods aisle (aside from pulling a Randy Quaid “Kingpin” maneuver) is to take one of my favorite desserts and turn it into ice cream. No, not the chef, though I’d love to get down on the floor and tussle wit’ her too.

Behold “Willie Nelson’s Country Peach Cobbler”.
Yeah, that’s right, you heard me. Willie M.F. Nelson is endorsing a B&J flavor. I guess the IRS just doesn’t give up, huh Willie? It’s cool though, cause this here is da goods. The description on the pint says “Peach Ice Cream with Cinnamon-Sugar Shortbread Pieces.” Sign me up. What the pint fails to mention is that the peach ice cream is chunky. Good chunks. Peach chunks. The kind that make you wanna do the Truffle Shuffle. See it again, for the first time.

Mother of All Things Holy: God, Vishnu, Allah, Buddha, Xerxes’ face in “300″ (See this movie tonight or suck my balls. In fact, after you see it, come suck my balls anyway cause I was right and you want to thank me). I think we have a winner here. You’ll find Truthiness in Americone Dream. In Willie Nelson’s Country Peach Cobbler, you’ll find only the Truth. Nothing more.